Only time I was somewhat feeling good today was in the morning. Almost whole day I had to struggle with confusion, sadness and distress. I was emotionally disturbed whole day and at the same time was busy hiding my feelings from my husband. I need to write down all the things that are bothering me, the thoughts that keep me awake night after night. I need to get a lot of things out of my chest. I have started to write the blog to fight my depression and constant anxiety in my own way and to write down stuffs that I don’t share with anyone because I don’t want to bother my family and friends. I tried therapy but that didn’t work either. I realized it is me who needs to work on my own mental health. I’m also not sure if it is called depression or not. Is depression supposed to be constant or it can also be intermittent? I don’t know! From my childhood I was like a happy and lively kid, who always used to laugh out loud in silly matters and always used to find something out to laugh about. I’m still that girl, the happy girl, mostly! But since last year, I feel horrible every few days, sometime once or twice a week. I feel low on energy, vulnerable, insecure, and my mind fills up with negative thoughts and ceaseless anxiety! I have been hiding my depression from everyone. It’s getting worse. Hiding depression is actually harder than feeling it. Some days, when my husband comes back from office I pretend everything was fine. I worked almost all day, looked for jobs and did some work on my part time work-from-home job. With a smile on my face, I kiss him and ask him how was his day. I hide that I cried whole morning, didn’t come out of bed almost whole day, barely ate anything. I smile instead.
This is tough on weekends. This is not how the weekends should be, right?
Day 12 of 100 Happy days:
As I have to post something for my happiness project, here is a picture I took this morning. My husband brought this yesterday. Some client or something gave this gift to everyone in their office!
What do you want my love? Flower or chocolate? What about two-in-one?