Posted in The Happiness Project

Flower or Chocolate? 

Only time I was somewhat feeling good today was in the morning. Almost whole day I had to struggle with confusion, sadness and distress. I was emotionally disturbed whole day and at the same time was busy hiding my feelings from my husband. I need to write down all the things that are bothering me, the thoughts that keep me awake night after night. I need to get a lot of things out of my chest. I have started to write the blog to fight my depression and constant anxiety in my own way and to write down stuffs that I don’t share with anyone because I don’t want to bother my family and friends. I tried therapy but that didn’t work either. I realized it is me who needs to work on my own mental health. I’m also not sure if it is called depression or not. Is depression supposed to be constant or it can also be intermittent? I don’t know! From my childhood I was like a happy and lively kid, who always used to laugh out loud in silly matters and always used to find something out to laugh about. I’m still that girl, the happy girl, mostly! But since last year, I feel horrible every few days, sometime once or twice a week. I feel low on energy, vulnerable, insecure, and my mind fills up with negative thoughts and ceaseless anxiety! I have been hiding my depression from everyone. It’s getting worse. Hiding depression is actually harder than feeling it. Some days, when my husband comes back from office I pretend everything was fine. I worked almost all day, looked for jobs and did some work on my part time work-from-home job. With a smile on my face, I kiss him and ask him how was his day. I hide that I cried whole morning, didn’t come out of bed almost whole day, barely ate anything. I smile instead.

This is tough on weekends. This is not how the weekends should be, right? 

Day 12 of 100 Happy days: 

As I have to post something for my happiness project, here is a picture I took this morning. My husband brought this yesterday. Some client or something gave this gift to everyone in their office! 

What do you want my love? Flower or chocolate? What about two-in-one? 

Author:

Hello! I am Samantha Cara. An ordinary South Asian girl, now living in Canada. This blog is my initial step to keep my stories in one place, my favorite recipes, weight loss tips, movies and books review, and lot more (not sure what else, will figure that out!)....

13 thoughts on “Flower or Chocolate? 

  1. I’m sorry that you’re not feeling well. In my opinion, I have a feeling that you are still that laughing girl deep inside. I just think that their is something bothering you. Something particular that’s making you sad. Holding in your feelings from family and friends is not a good idea in my opinion. That’s what family is for. To be there for each other☺. Once you confront your underlying issues, you should be just fine. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your message. I know, my family is everything for me. But sometimes it is hard to share your own problem, when your whole family depends on you with their problems.
      Few months ago I broke down real bad, couldn’t help myself and shared some of my thoughts with my family. Their encouragement really helped me to gather my strength and to focus. But at the same time, they were so tensed and worried about me, later I felt guilty.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know how you feel. I’m always there for everybody else. And I hate putting my burden on others too. But remember your family loves you dearly and want you to be happy. That’s why they were so concerned. Please take care of yourself too because you can’t continue to be there for others if you’ve completely break down. I hope I could be of some help❤

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    1. Face to face talk with my husband is not an effective option for me, specially when I’m down. I tried and it gets worse for me. He never understands that emotion doesn’t work the same way for everyone. He keeps saying there’s no logic to be upset or he has been through a lot, more than me and all that, and ultimately gets mad at me for being emotional. He is a nice man, but he is like a old school teacher, who goes by the rule. Not someone to share the frustration with. I’m still working on it. We are happily married for 6 years but still learning how to work out the marriage thing. So for my own peace, I prefer not to share it with anyone but to deal with it on my own, it takes time but I succeed every time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can understand what you mean. Personally, I too feel down at times but writing is like therapy, it has helped a great deal, sometimes walking or a quick jog. You just need to find out what helps when you have another one of those mood-swings. I hope you get well soon. Do take care and let me know if you need a ear or a shoulder to cry on. Cheers!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Depression is different for everyone! Sometimes it’s constant and other times it is intermittent. I would definitely recommend giving therapy another try if you can, I went through a few therapists before I found one I connected with. Sometimes it just takes time, and the right person, but it really can help. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right. Connecting with therapist/psychologist is very important part of therapy. I’m not considering it right now because I’m trying to help myself by my own by diverting my mind if I’m not feeling well. Also therapy is costly and at the same time it is hard to get. Both time after I called for an appointment, I got the date after 3 weeks. By that time I brought myself together and was feeling good, so couldn’t explain my situation to my therapist clearly. But, yes, if I’m not feeling good for a considerable period of time, I will definitely visit a therapist. Thanks for your message. ❤

      Like

      1. I connect with that on so many levels. I didn’t see a counsellor for YEARS because every time I had the chance, I felt fine. So I get it! And it is definitely costly. I used to be so irritated when people would tell me just to go see a therapist. What do they think, that I’m made of money?? I go now, but haven’t lately due to the money factor. I can definitely relate to you. Take care of yourself 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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