Posted in Life Lessons, Random thought, The Happiness Project

Happy New Year!

How did this year treat you? 

This year was way too much for me. I don’t know if 2017 is going to bring any good, but I can’t wait for this year to be over. It wasn’t completely bad though…. Lets summarize some facts…

  • Bad: I was laid off with 20 other employees. I am trying my best to get another job but after 8 months, I haven’t gotten even a phone call.
  • Good: I traveled four times this year. Went to Toronto twice and went to US twice. Best year on this point. I also had my proper first honeymoon with my husband this year after six years of marriage.
  • Bad: This year was worst for my marriage. We had the biggest fight in our history. Almost called off the marriage. The worst part is, it was not only between us anymore. We involved our families.
  • Good: From the fight I learned a lot. May be this fight made me realize why having a baby is important for a family. I don’t know if it was the fight or something else, but during last few months the feeling of “I want to be a mother someday” really grown inside me. I also felt that my husband has also developed this feeling. He even told me once that he feels good talking about babies. Very unlikely for him! Because after I got married to him, he told me he doesn’t want babies. I didn’t bother that time because either I knew this thought will change with time or I just didn’t care because I didn’t know when I want babies. Surely, it grew together inside us with time, which is a good thing.
  • Bad: I hurt my parents and his parents by sharing some personal issues. I hate myself for that. I hate this year solely for this reason. But I was broken. I didn’t know what to do. I was so broke and vulnerable that day, even before realizing what I was doing, I shared my condition with my family. It was a mistake. Before that day, my family knew I was happily married and really happy with my life. That day they realized I was struggling in my marriage, suffering from depression and going through therapies. I hate myself. I hate myself so much for that. By sharing my issues with my family I gave my parents huge nightmare and unbearable tension, which will never go away. May be every time they will see us, they will think, am I happy? Is their daughter happy?
  • Good: I got to see my parents this year.
  • Bad: I was under terrible depression this year. I was completely broken. I tried my best to hide it from everyone, specially from my husband. But as I told earlier, couldn’t hold myself one day, but other days I fought my best to deal with it. I went to therapy twice. It didn’t help. I couldn’t tell my psychologist what was really bothering me. My “I don’t like to share my personal things with anyone” mode was on during the sessions. I realized it is me who need to act for my own happiness. I tried many things to bring myself together, and to control my emotions. I failed. I never thought I could be crushed like that.
  • Good: I found this beautiful platform to share my thoughts and my emotions without the fear that someone will judge me or my life. Every time I was feeling depressed or down, I took my phone and started to write something. I never realized before how much some supportive and inspiring comments can help. I felt so good, so confident and so positive with your comments, and with your love my dear followers, you have no idea.

Thank you so much friends, and thank you WordPress. You are the reason I have hope for next year. You all gave me mental support, good vibe and confidence to hold on and to stay strong, either by sharing your life stories, or reading about mine.

Day 53 of 100 Happy Days: To my all followers who helped me a lot this year and I know, will be there in the next.

My lazy NYE!

 

 

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Posted in Random thought, The Happiness Project

Good Touch.. Bad Touch ..

What is a good touch or a bad touch? How do we differentiate it? Why sometimes a harmless or friendly touch makes you uncomfortable?

We girls know the nature of touch or look the moment it happens. Our sixth sense is God gifted. It alerts us even before we realize something is not right. But today I’m not talking about intentional bad touches or bad approaches. I’m talking about touches that is not any issue with everyone else, but makes me uncomfortable. I’m okay with opposite sex’s friendly hugs and touches. But if it is for too long or the touch is in an inappropriate spot, then it makes me uncomfortable.

Lately I have been a little bit disturbed with my school friends (all girls). Sometimes I feel sad thinking that I’m straying away from them and sometimes I feel good for the same reason. Only one of my close school friends, Selma lives in Canada, In Toronto more specifically. Her husband, Bob is a funny guy. Sometimes too funny to take in. He always jokingly flirts with all of us, in front of Selma. Selma seems to enjoy it a lot and always laughs during these conversations. All of my other friends like it and flirt back. But I can’t flirt and honestly I don’t like it. So, when Bob calls me and asks me to give him a kiss, I feel stupid. I don’t want to be rude to my friend’s husband, and at the same time I don’t like this type of talk. May be I’m different from my other friends. I never flirted in my life and I don’t know how to reply. My husband also gets surprised every time he listens these type of questions when Bob is talking to me on speaker phone. He asked me the other day that if I would be okay with it if he talks like this with my close friends. I said, “if you do some friendly flirts with them in front of me, there is no problem… but if you talk rubbish like this, like ask my friends to send you some naked photos or dance for you like Bob does, then yes I would have a problem. I wouldn’t like that. But again, Selma doesn’t has a problem with it, so it is not a question or concern for us”.

This December, Selma and Bob is visiting home. Today we saw some photos of them in a gathering with all my other friends. My husband was really surprised to see some photos, but I wasn’t. I understand that Bob and my other friends have also became very good friends, so hugging or touching might be normal. But the photos were not only about hugging. It was squeezing one of my friends (Tanya) and rubbing her face into his fat belly. Well, Tanya was okay with it and clearly enjoying whatever the fun they were having.

May be I’m too conservative, that’s why I don’t like some other guy touching me too closely. Alternatively, if a touch is making me uncomfortable, then it is not okay, no matter what the intention is. While we were having dinner tonight, my husband told me that he is a guy, he knows the difference between a good harmless touch and an intentional touch. He said that there is definitely some issues with Rob. The pictures of Tanya with Bob really surprised him. So I told him, nor Bob’s wife, Selma has any problem with it, nor any of my other friends who he is squashing have any problems. So, it doesn’t matter we like it or not. My husband is well aware about my uneasiness with flirting or unwanted touching. My husband looked at me and said, “he didn’t touch you like this ever, did he?” I said, “no, I would never allow it”. He said, “he would never ask for permission before touching you”. I said, “I will have reaction time, he won’t be able to”. Well, I lied.

Earlier this year, when I was visiting my sister in Toronto, my sister invited Selma, her mother and Bob for dinner. I was sitting in a sofa just next to Bob, chatting and laughing with everyone else. Then for some reason, I went to the kitchen and came back. I took the same seat beside Bob and as soon as I sat, I felt his hand beneath me. I jerked off. He quickly moved his hand and when I looked at him, he was smiling and then winked at me. Clearly no one noticed and I gave him a surprise look. But I can’t explain how awkward and disgusted I felt. Few minutes later, he tried that again, but this time I was careful. Was it a harmless joke? Does he do this with all my other friends so he thought it would be okay with me? If it was harmless, then why was I so uncomfortable? Is this the culture of the western world? As Bob was brought up here? I don’t know because I was born and brought up in South Asia. Indian culture is full of conservativeness,  yet I was brought up with all types of freedoms. I have lots of guy friends. I never had any issue with them. We spent countless evenings together for group study, drank water from the same bottle, kicked each other, hugged each other… But those were so friendly. It never bothered me when one of them put their hand on my shoulder to keep their balance or pull my hand while crossing a road so that I don’t hit a car. But when my butt touched Bob’s hand and I saw his smile that he did it on purpose, I felt so so uncomfortable!!!!

Was it me? Or is it them?

The reason I didn’t tell my husband this story because I fear my husband will be very angry with Bob and he won’t agree to meet them if we visit Toronto together. Selma is really a good friend of mine. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to hurt her.

 Day 51 of 100 Happy Days:

After long time I went for a walk today.

Posted in Uncategorized

A Good Friend is always a blessing

Day 49 of 100 Happy Days: 

Today one of my close friends called me and told me that she is getting married. She also said that I am the only friend she is sharing the news with. I know that she doesn’t like to share her personal life with too many people. But for some reason we are very close and always end up sharing our deepest thoughts which we don’t share with anyone else. I’m so happy for her!

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Friendship is one of the most beautiful things in this world. Something so valuable that we should thank God regularly for getting a good friend. This year, however, I have lost few of my closest friends from my heart, including my best friend’s. Their behavior hurt me so much that I decided that I won’t care about them anymore. This is a hard practice, to not care about someone close. But I am tired. Tired of feeling sad and ignored. So, this is one of my new years resolution: I won’t care about someone if they don’t care about me.

Posted in The Happiness Project

Marriott Rocks! 

Day 44 of 100 Happy Days:

For being an Marriot employee, my husband got really good deals in Marriot hotels and resorts. The one we are staying tonight is a resort and spa. It is so beautiful! The room is expectacular! The view is awesome! We came around 6 pm and then spend about an hour in the pool and hot tub. I’m loving every bit of it! I’m so greatful to God!!!