Posted in Random thought, The Happiness Project

Good Touch.. Bad Touch ..

What is a good touch or a bad touch? How do we differentiate it? Why sometimes a harmless or friendly touch makes you uncomfortable?

We girls know the nature of touch or look the moment it happens. Our sixth sense is God gifted. It alerts us even before we realize something is not right. But today I’m not talking about intentional bad touches or bad approaches. I’m talking about touches that is not any issue with everyone else, but makes me uncomfortable. I’m okay with opposite sex’s friendly hugs and touches. But if it is for too long or the touch is in an inappropriate spot, then it makes me uncomfortable.

Lately I have been a little bit disturbed with my school friends (all girls). Sometimes I feel sad thinking that I’m straying away from them and sometimes I feel good for the same reason. Only one of my close school friends, Selma lives in Canada, In Toronto more specifically. Her husband, Bob is a funny guy. Sometimes too funny to take in. He always jokingly flirts with all of us, in front of Selma. Selma seems to enjoy it a lot and always laughs during these conversations. All of my other friends like it and flirt back. But I can’t flirt and honestly I don’t like it. So, when Bob calls me and asks me to give him a kiss, I feel stupid. I don’t want to be rude to my friend’s husband, and at the same time I don’t like this type of talk. May be I’m different from my other friends. I never flirted in my life and I don’t know how to reply. My husband also gets surprised every time he listens these type of questions when Bob is talking to me on speaker phone. He asked me the other day that if I would be okay with it if he talks like this with my close friends. I said, “if you do some friendly flirts with them in front of me, there is no problem… but if you talk rubbish like this, like ask my friends to send you some naked photos or dance for you like Bob does, then yes I would have a problem. I wouldn’t like that. But again, Selma doesn’t has a problem with it, so it is not a question or concern for us”.

This December, Selma and Bob is visiting home. Today we saw some photos of them in a gathering with all my other friends. My husband was really surprised to see some photos, but I wasn’t. I understand that Bob and my other friends have also became very good friends, so hugging or touching might be normal. But the photos were not only about hugging. It was squeezing one of my friends (Tanya) and rubbing her face into his fat belly. Well, Tanya was okay with it and clearly enjoying whatever the fun they were having.

May be I’m too conservative, that’s why I don’t like some other guy touching me too closely. Alternatively, if a touch is making me uncomfortable, then it is not okay, no matter what the intention is. While we were having dinner tonight, my husband told me that he is a guy, he knows the difference between a good harmless touch and an intentional touch. He said that there is definitely some issues with Rob. The pictures of Tanya with Bob really surprised him. So I told him, nor Bob’s wife, Selma has any problem with it, nor any of my other friends who he is squashing have any problems. So, it doesn’t matter we like it or not. My husband is well aware about my uneasiness with flirting or unwanted touching. My husband looked at me and said, “he didn’t touch you like this ever, did he?” I said, “no, I would never allow it”. He said, “he would never ask for permission before touching you”. I said, “I will have reaction time, he won’t be able to”. Well, I lied.

Earlier this year, when I was visiting my sister in Toronto, my sister invited Selma, her mother and Bob for dinner. I was sitting in a sofa just next to Bob, chatting and laughing with everyone else. Then for some reason, I went to the kitchen and came back. I took the same seat beside Bob and as soon as I sat, I felt his hand beneath me. I jerked off. He quickly moved his hand and when I looked at him, he was smiling and then winked at me. Clearly no one noticed and I gave him a surprise look. But I can’t explain how awkward and disgusted I felt. Few minutes later, he tried that again, but this time I was careful. Was it a harmless joke? Does he do this with all my other friends so he thought it would be okay with me? If it was harmless, then why was I so uncomfortable? Is this the culture of the western world? As Bob was brought up here? I don’t know because I was born and brought up in South Asia. Indian culture is full of conservativeness,  yet I was brought up with all types of freedoms. I have lots of guy friends. I never had any issue with them. We spent countless evenings together for group study, drank water from the same bottle, kicked each other, hugged each other… But those were so friendly. It never bothered me when one of them put their hand on my shoulder to keep their balance or pull my hand while crossing a road so that I don’t hit a car. But when my butt touched Bob’s hand and I saw his smile that he did it on purpose, I felt so so uncomfortable!!!!

Was it me? Or is it them?

The reason I didn’t tell my husband this story because I fear my husband will be very angry with Bob and he won’t agree to meet them if we visit Toronto together. Selma is really a good friend of mine. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to hurt her.

 Day 51 of 100 Happy Days:

After long time I went for a walk today.

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Author:

Hello! I am Samantha Cara. An ordinary South Asian girl, now living in Canada. This blog is my initial step to keep my stories in one place, my favorite recipes, weight loss tips, movies and books review, and lot more (not sure what else, will figure that out!)....

5 thoughts on “Good Touch.. Bad Touch ..

  1. ive hugged people from all over the world, and i can tell you that hugging americans is really disappointing sometimes. europeans will hug me like ive been in their family for years, and americans will hug me like they think i have a cold and they might catch it.

    of course i was born here, and some americans are already hip to this weirdness; they hug you like they mean it. but the best hugs i got were from a friend who i ended up dating for years– and towards the end, her hugs got shorter and more “careful” too. it was even worse than when the other physical aspects went away.

    puritans and puritanism just never die off. as humans, we cant even get hugging right– i would say we are doomed. we are already damned.

    thats entirely subjective and id love to be wrong. but frankly if the worlds going to hug like its afraid of spreading disease that way, keep the hug– i can just hang myself and hope to find a world worth spending time in in the next life.

    apropos of nothing: one of my informants from the alcoholics union (if i were an alcoholic id have friends on tap– but i cant make myself drink more than one or two, and not even every day) tells me they do a lot of hugging. thats smart– this friend who is in aa is a world-class hugger too, so if youre weird about hugging (dont take it personally, i think most people north of mexico probably are) maybe youre not drinking enough– thats a stretch, obviously. have fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t have any problem with big hugs or small hugs. Absolutely not. In fact I love it, as it shows the love and closeness. But you know there is a difference between hugging someone and jokingly touching someone’s butt, right? Specially without permissions and when you two are not that close. I don’t drink but no matter how much drink I have, I would never be okay with someone touching me inappropriately.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Samantha, this guy Bob, seriously has issues. The fact that Selma is okay with it, is a worry. Have you mentioned to her that you don’t feel comfortable with Bob flirting that way with you. Selma is a good friend of yours and I am sure she would appreciate knowing how you feel Maybe she was not aware of the ‘sofa’ issue with you, but you felt uncomfortable, and just that fact, makes it not okay! Perhaps next time Bob is a bit flirty with you, you should actually tell him, that you do not like him being flirty with you. This doesn’t need to break a friendship at all, but the thing is, the way he is carrying on, this could eventually break a friendship. Hope things come right. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lynne, thanks for your supportive reply. I totally agree. The fact is, I don’t have to deal with it very often as we live in different cities and I have met Bob only 4 or 5 times. I can ignore/handle the talks over the phone, but face to face is a challenge specially if I have to deal with unwanted touches! I have decided that next time if anything happens like this, I will politely and privately tell Bob that I feel awkward. May be it is okay with my other friends, but not with me.

      Liked by 1 person

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