Posted in marriage, Uncategorized

To have a baby or not?

A few years back I often thought why people do have babies? My husband absolutely doesn’t want any kids (ever), and I am “not right now, maybe later” type of person. So when I asked random people why they wanted kids, they had different perspectives, some were cute, some were somewhat selfish. Some of them wanted to have babies because they were already in their 30s and time was running out, some of them said they like to spend time with kids and they need babies to pass good times or just wanted to start a family because that’s “normal”. On the other hand, some people said they want babies as they need someone to take care of them when they will be old or some people had babies just as a try to save their marriages.

That time I realized I don’t actually have a valid reason to have kids, maybe that’s why I didn’t want to have kids. So I wondered when the time will come, what could be my reason?

Now I want kids and I know my reason…..

My husband and I are having a hard time in our relationship. We moved to Ontario last year but my husband is not being able to adjust here and he is not even trying. He wants me to leave my engineering job, go back with him to Newfoundland and work in a call center. Weird thing is, he wants me to go back with him but he is also implying that he won’t take my or our family’s responsibility. I am requesting, validating, trying to talk, discuss and communicate but he is extremely stubborn and depressed. The reason he gives is, in the big cities there is no peace, he has his peace near the Atlantic Ocean. He is absolutely not considering that we moved in the first place because we both had no study-related jobs and career perspective there. He just wants his peace back.

I am not an “arguing” person. I never want to go to that direction. But his constant nagging and whining made me realized that maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday it would be impossible for us to live together. What am I gonna do then? Be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe that’s why I need a baby. Everyone needs something in their life to inspire them.

The other day I couldn’t hold myself and shared with my parents regarding what’s going on. Surprisingly, my dad wants me to go back home as I am young and smart, and I really don’t need to suffer like this. My mom is a positive person. So she said maybe a baby can solve all the problems. I laughed, no, a baby can make things worse. My husband is not being able to handle “relocation”. Having a baby is a huge milestone that I wonder if my husband will be able to handle.

Bottomline, yes I want kids, not for us, but for myself. Do you think it is a good idea?

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Posted in The Happiness Project

English!

Day 99 of 100 Happy Days:

Yes, the main reason I started this blog was to handle my depression. Another reason was to improve my written English. It is a hard process when there is no one to point out your errors and you are doing same mistakes over and over.

I will try all over again to improve my English. Friends, do you have any idea or suggestion how should I do that?

Posted in Random thought, The Happiness Project

I’m a Failure

I am a failure.

I know I’m not. I have a life. A nice happy life. But right now I feel like I’m a failure. I can’t say this to my husband. I can’t share anything like this with him. Because if I say this, he will keep telling me angrily all the failure stories of his life, what he wanted, what he gained, what he couldn’t get…. Plus why I’m so lucky, why there is no reason to feel bad, why I’m being a cry baby for no reason. There is no problem in my life other than being unemployed, but still sometimes I’m not happy with my life. The time doesn’t come frequently I promise. But sometimes I feel bad.

So after hearing all the logics from my husband, I agree and then go to the bathroom, lock it and cry silently. By all means…. By all the logics…. By all the examples of all other people of the world, I’m not a failure, I have a good life. But sometimes I don’t feel like it. And I want to share it. I want to share my feelings. I don’t want any condolence, I don’t want to hear inspiring stories or how wrong I am. Sometimes I just want to share my feelings. Just share what I’m feeling and why I’m not feeling ok. Most of my university friends are working at apple, spacex and all big automobile companies in states. I’m stuck in Atlantic Canada, unemployed. Many of my school friends became mothers. They are playing with their babies, enjoying every bit of it. I even don’t know when I will be able to hold my baby, if it ever happens. I want to help my parents to buy whatever they want, whatever they couldn’t buy because they spend all the money to raise us. But I  can’t. Why is it not okay to feel bad about all these once in a while? Every morning I remind myself I’m grateful. I truly am. But the constant feeling that I can’t be sad and I can’t be upset is also very upsetting. Why every time if I mistakenly share a bit of it with my husband, he makes me feel guilty?? Why can’t I share my feelings with him? Why being sad  sometimes is not okay?

Day 61 of 100 Happy Days: 

Starting Mr. Mercedes. Better late than never.

Posted in Life Lessons, Random thought, The Happiness Project

Happy New Year!

How did this year treat you? 

This year was way too much for me. I don’t know if 2017 is going to bring any good, but I can’t wait for this year to be over. It wasn’t completely bad though…. Lets summarize some facts…

  • Bad: I was laid off with 20 other employees. I am trying my best to get another job but after 8 months, I haven’t gotten even a phone call.
  • Good: I traveled four times this year. Went to Toronto twice and went to US twice. Best year on this point. I also had my proper first honeymoon with my husband this year after six years of marriage.
  • Bad: This year was worst for my marriage. We had the biggest fight in our history. Almost called off the marriage. The worst part is, it was not only between us anymore. We involved our families.
  • Good: From the fight I learned a lot. May be this fight made me realize why having a baby is important for a family. I don’t know if it was the fight or something else, but during last few months the feeling of “I want to be a mother someday” really grown inside me. I also felt that my husband has also developed this feeling. He even told me once that he feels good talking about babies. Very unlikely for him! Because after I got married to him, he told me he doesn’t want babies. I didn’t bother that time because either I knew this thought will change with time or I just didn’t care because I didn’t know when I want babies. Surely, it grew together inside us with time, which is a good thing.
  • Bad: I hurt my parents and his parents by sharing some personal issues. I hate myself for that. I hate this year solely for this reason. But I was broken. I didn’t know what to do. I was so broke and vulnerable that day, even before realizing what I was doing, I shared my condition with my family. It was a mistake. Before that day, my family knew I was happily married and really happy with my life. That day they realized I was struggling in my marriage, suffering from depression and going through therapies. I hate myself. I hate myself so much for that. By sharing my issues with my family I gave my parents huge nightmare and unbearable tension, which will never go away. May be every time they will see us, they will think, am I happy? Is their daughter happy?
  • Good: I got to see my parents this year.
  • Bad: I was under terrible depression this year. I was completely broken. I tried my best to hide it from everyone, specially from my husband. But as I told earlier, couldn’t hold myself one day, but other days I fought my best to deal with it. I went to therapy twice. It didn’t help. I couldn’t tell my psychologist what was really bothering me. My “I don’t like to share my personal things with anyone” mode was on during the sessions. I realized it is me who need to act for my own happiness. I tried many things to bring myself together, and to control my emotions. I failed. I never thought I could be crushed like that.
  • Good: I found this beautiful platform to share my thoughts and my emotions without the fear that someone will judge me or my life. Every time I was feeling depressed or down, I took my phone and started to write something. I never realized before how much some supportive and inspiring comments can help. I felt so good, so confident and so positive with your comments, and with your love my dear followers, you have no idea.

Thank you so much friends, and thank you WordPress. You are the reason I have hope for next year. You all gave me mental support, good vibe and confidence to hold on and to stay strong, either by sharing your life stories, or reading about mine.

Day 53 of 100 Happy Days: To my all followers who helped me a lot this year and I know, will be there in the next.

My lazy NYE!

 

 

Posted in The Happiness Project

100 Followers

Day 34 of 100 Happy Days! 

Do I need any other reason to be happy today?? 100 followers! Wow! I am so happy and so overwhelmed! Thank you everyone. This blog and you all are helping me a lot to fight my depression and anxiety issues. Whenever I start to feel bad or feel that the depression is kicking in, I open my WordPress, and either start to write something or start to read you blogs! This is keeping me busy, keeping me occupied and keeping me inspired. 

Love you all ❤

Posted in The Happiness Project

Flower or Chocolate? 

Only time I was somewhat feeling good today was in the morning. Almost whole day I had to struggle with confusion, sadness and distress. I was emotionally disturbed whole day and at the same time was busy hiding my feelings from my husband. I need to write down all the things that are bothering me, the thoughts that keep me awake night after night. I need to get a lot of things out of my chest. I have started to write the blog to fight my depression and constant anxiety in my own way and to write down stuffs that I don’t share with anyone because I don’t want to bother my family and friends. I tried therapy but that didn’t work either. I realized it is me who needs to work on my own mental health. I’m also not sure if it is called depression or not. Is depression supposed to be constant or it can also be intermittent? I don’t know! From my childhood I was like a happy and lively kid, who always used to laugh out loud in silly matters and always used to find something out to laugh about. I’m still that girl, the happy girl, mostly! But since last year, I feel horrible every few days, sometime once or twice a week. I feel low on energy, vulnerable, insecure, and my mind fills up with negative thoughts and ceaseless anxiety! I have been hiding my depression from everyone. It’s getting worse. Hiding depression is actually harder than feeling it. Some days, when my husband comes back from office I pretend everything was fine. I worked almost all day, looked for jobs and did some work on my part time work-from-home job. With a smile on my face, I kiss him and ask him how was his day. I hide that I cried whole morning, didn’t come out of bed almost whole day, barely ate anything. I smile instead.

This is tough on weekends. This is not how the weekends should be, right? 

Day 12 of 100 Happy days: 

As I have to post something for my happiness project, here is a picture I took this morning. My husband brought this yesterday. Some client or something gave this gift to everyone in their office! 

What do you want my love? Flower or chocolate? What about two-in-one? 

Posted in Recipe, The Happiness Project

What about some “Meatball Curry”??

Day 9:
So…. For my happiness project (#100happydays) I have decided to post one photo everyday that makes/made me happy for hundred days. A small effort to handle my depression by being grateful to life at least once a day. It is being extra hard for me as I don’t go outside too much now a days! Work from home, looking for jobs, watching TV and sleeping pretty much sum up my daily routine (except weekends). This is my day 9, and I have to post 91 more photos! (Are you serious???!!!) Unless I give up! But, I should definitely mention that today was an extraordinary nice day. During this time of the year we don’t see many days with double-digit temperature in North Eastern Canada. I went for a walk in the morning and that was the only time I was feeling somewhat happy. Now after spending the whole day doing almost nothing, I am disappointed with myself. Just an attempt to make the day little bit productive, I cooked again today.

After enjoying an unproductive day, I don’t have anything to write in particular for the happiness project, so I’m posting another recipe. Today I cooked chicken korma and chicken meatball curry, also known as kofta curry. In my category, chicken meatball curry is a complicated-short recipe (easy to cook, takes lesser time but it will keep you occupied for 60-70 minutes). Here is the recipe for the meatball curry.

Ingredients: 
Ground chicken: 500 gm (approx.) ( you can also use ground beef or lamb)
Onion: 2 large, finely chopped (less than half of an onion for ground chicken mixture and rest for the curry)
Coriander: small amount, chopped
Salt: to taste
Oil: 2-3 tbs
Tomato: 1, chopped
Tomato sauce/tomato ketchup: 2 tbs
Ginger paste: 1 ts
Garlic paste: 1 ts
Garam masala: 1 ts (for best flavor, use kabab or keema masala, or 1 tsp of cumin powder will also work)
Red chili powder: less than 0.5 ts
Green chili :2/3 sliced into half

Direction:

  1. Mix ground chicken with small amount of chopped onion, small amount of chopped coriander,  garam masala, salt and red chili powder.
  2. Make 16 or less medium sized balls using damp hand (use oil to damp your hand).
  3. Heat oil and fry the meatballs in a non-stick frying pan over medium heat until the color turns to golden brown or you are confident that meatballs are fully cooked.
  4. Take meatballs out and set aside.
  5. In the same frying pan check if you have enough oil left, if not, add some more (you can use the same oil that you have used for chicken, but for beef I would recommend to use fresh oil as ground beef release a lot of fat while frying, which is definitely not healthy).
  6. Add chopped onions and cook until golden brown over medium heat.
  7. Add salt, chopped tomatoes (or one spoon of tomato paste), ginger and garlic paste and tomato sauce and keep simmering.
  8. When it will start to get dry, keep adding little water every time until the oil separates from the paste.
  9. Add the meatballs and cover for 10/15 minutes (during this time the sauce will penetrate into the meatballs).
  10. Simmer and keep cooking until the sauce becomes smooth and thick!
  11. Add some chopped coriander and green chilies.
  12. Serve and Enjoy!

Tips: For healthy eating, I didn’t fry the meatballs, instead I baked them (for 40 minutes, 400F) without oil. Only drawback is, it might become little bit dry. So, if you are inviting friends or don’t care about the amount of oil you are consuming, frying the meatballs will provide the best results!