Posted in marriage, Uncategorized

To have a baby or not?

A few years back I often thought why people do have babies? My husband absolutely doesn’t want any kids (ever), and I am “not right now, maybe later” type of person. So when I asked random people why they wanted kids, they had different perspectives, some were cute, some were somewhat selfish. Some of them wanted to have babies because they were already in their 30s and time was running out, some of them said they like to spend time with kids and they need babies to pass good times or just wanted to start a family because that’s “normal”. On the other hand, some people said they want babies as they need someone to take care of them when they will be old or some people had babies just as a try to save their marriages.

That time I realized I don’t actually have a valid reason to have kids, maybe that’s why I didn’t want to have kids. So I wondered when the time will come, what could be my reason?

Now I want kids and I know my reason…..

My husband and I are having a hard time in our relationship. We moved to Ontario last year but my husband is not being able to adjust here and he is not even trying. He wants me to leave my engineering job, go back with him to Newfoundland and work in a call center. Weird thing is, he wants me to go back with him but he is also implying that he won’t take my or our family’s responsibility. I am requesting, validating, trying to talk, discuss and communicate but he is extremely stubborn and depressed. The reason he gives is, in the big cities there is no peace, he has his peace near the Atlantic Ocean. He is absolutely not considering that we moved in the first place because we both had no study-related jobs and career perspective there. He just wants his peace back.

I am not an “arguing” person. I never want to go to that direction. But his constant nagging and whining made me realized that maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday it would be impossible for us to live together. What am I gonna do then? Be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe that’s why I need a baby. Everyone needs something in their life to inspire them.

The other day I couldn’t hold myself and shared with my parents regarding what’s going on. Surprisingly, my dad wants me to go back home as I am young and smart, and I really don’t need to suffer like this. My mom is a positive person. So she said maybe a baby can solve all the problems. I laughed, no, a baby can make things worse. My husband is not being able to handle “relocation”. Having a baby is a huge milestone that I wonder if my husband will be able to handle.

Bottomline, yes I want kids, not for us, but for myself. Do you think it is a good idea?

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Posted in Random thought, The Happiness Project

I’m a Failure

I am a failure.

I know I’m not. I have a life. A nice happy life. But right now I feel like I’m a failure. I can’t say this to my husband. I can’t share anything like this with him. Because if I say this, he will keep telling me angrily all the failure stories of his life, what he wanted, what he gained, what he couldn’t get…. Plus why I’m so lucky, why there is no reason to feel bad, why I’m being a cry baby for no reason. There is no problem in my life other than being unemployed, but still sometimes I’m not happy with my life. The time doesn’t come frequently I promise. But sometimes I feel bad.

So after hearing all the logics from my husband, I agree and then go to the bathroom, lock it and cry silently. By all means…. By all the logics…. By all the examples of all other people of the world, I’m not a failure, I have a good life. But sometimes I don’t feel like it. And I want to share it. I want to share my feelings. I don’t want any condolence, I don’t want to hear inspiring stories or how wrong I am. Sometimes I just want to share my feelings. Just share what I’m feeling and why I’m not feeling ok. Most of my university friends are working at apple, spacex and all big automobile companies in states. I’m stuck in Atlantic Canada, unemployed. Many of my school friends became mothers. They are playing with their babies, enjoying every bit of it. I even don’t know when I will be able to hold my baby, if it ever happens. I want to help my parents to buy whatever they want, whatever they couldn’t buy because they spend all the money to raise us. But I  can’t. Why is it not okay to feel bad about all these once in a while? Every morning I remind myself I’m grateful. I truly am. But the constant feeling that I can’t be sad and I can’t be upset is also very upsetting. Why every time if I mistakenly share a bit of it with my husband, he makes me feel guilty?? Why can’t I share my feelings with him? Why being sad  sometimes is not okay?

Day 61 of 100 Happy Days: 

Starting Mr. Mercedes. Better late than never.

Posted in Life Lessons, Random thought, The Happiness Project

Happy New Year!

How did this year treat you? 

This year was way too much for me. I don’t know if 2017 is going to bring any good, but I can’t wait for this year to be over. It wasn’t completely bad though…. Lets summarize some facts…

  • Bad: I was laid off with 20 other employees. I am trying my best to get another job but after 8 months, I haven’t gotten even a phone call.
  • Good: I traveled four times this year. Went to Toronto twice and went to US twice. Best year on this point. I also had my proper first honeymoon with my husband this year after six years of marriage.
  • Bad: This year was worst for my marriage. We had the biggest fight in our history. Almost called off the marriage. The worst part is, it was not only between us anymore. We involved our families.
  • Good: From the fight I learned a lot. May be this fight made me realize why having a baby is important for a family. I don’t know if it was the fight or something else, but during last few months the feeling of “I want to be a mother someday” really grown inside me. I also felt that my husband has also developed this feeling. He even told me once that he feels good talking about babies. Very unlikely for him! Because after I got married to him, he told me he doesn’t want babies. I didn’t bother that time because either I knew this thought will change with time or I just didn’t care because I didn’t know when I want babies. Surely, it grew together inside us with time, which is a good thing.
  • Bad: I hurt my parents and his parents by sharing some personal issues. I hate myself for that. I hate this year solely for this reason. But I was broken. I didn’t know what to do. I was so broke and vulnerable that day, even before realizing what I was doing, I shared my condition with my family. It was a mistake. Before that day, my family knew I was happily married and really happy with my life. That day they realized I was struggling in my marriage, suffering from depression and going through therapies. I hate myself. I hate myself so much for that. By sharing my issues with my family I gave my parents huge nightmare and unbearable tension, which will never go away. May be every time they will see us, they will think, am I happy? Is their daughter happy?
  • Good: I got to see my parents this year.
  • Bad: I was under terrible depression this year. I was completely broken. I tried my best to hide it from everyone, specially from my husband. But as I told earlier, couldn’t hold myself one day, but other days I fought my best to deal with it. I went to therapy twice. It didn’t help. I couldn’t tell my psychologist what was really bothering me. My “I don’t like to share my personal things with anyone” mode was on during the sessions. I realized it is me who need to act for my own happiness. I tried many things to bring myself together, and to control my emotions. I failed. I never thought I could be crushed like that.
  • Good: I found this beautiful platform to share my thoughts and my emotions without the fear that someone will judge me or my life. Every time I was feeling depressed or down, I took my phone and started to write something. I never realized before how much some supportive and inspiring comments can help. I felt so good, so confident and so positive with your comments, and with your love my dear followers, you have no idea.

Thank you so much friends, and thank you WordPress. You are the reason I have hope for next year. You all gave me mental support, good vibe and confidence to hold on and to stay strong, either by sharing your life stories, or reading about mine.

Day 53 of 100 Happy Days: To my all followers who helped me a lot this year and I know, will be there in the next.

My lazy NYE!

 

 

Posted in Random thought, The Happiness Project

Trip Florida: Combination of happiness and uneasiness

Day 31 of 100 Happy Days:

Started to plan Florida trip! Yeaaa! Super excited! And somewhat nervous!

Even though we are married for 6 years, it will be our first get away trip. First honeymoon may be? But for some reasons, I’m nervous. Today I’m (over) thinking about one such thing. Not sure how to describe my feelings… Me and my husband don’t fight too much. But about 4 years ago we had a fight over social media. I was wearing a knee length skirt and he posted that photo on Facebook. I was not okay with it. I usually wear conservative cloths. Mostly full pants and short/full sleeve shirts/tops, but not comfortable with sleeveless tops and short skirts. I don’t have any problem wearing skirts or sleeveless but the conservativeness mostly came from my religious view. So, even though I am okay wearing skirts/sleeveless tops infront of my husband, where no one else I know is around, I’m absolutely not okay to post it on social media. My husband thinks there is no problem with posting and he would love to share the photo with everyone including his and my family. He get upset everytime I say I’m not okay with it. He knows my views but everytime I have to remind him followed by an uneasiness of few hours. Why he doesn’t understand? I don’t want this to happen in this trip.  

Even few days ago, he asked jokingly, you aren’t going to wear jeans in Miami, are you? I said, no, absolutely not. He sensed my tone and said, listen I will never ask you to wear mini skirts or low neck tops or anything like that, I’m just suggesting wearing comfortable cloths. I said, I will wear comfortable clothes but you aren’t allowed to take any picture if I’m wearing skirts. He didn’t said anything.

This Facebook and Instagram thing is really creeping me off. Some of my friends pretend to be someone they are not. Some are way to happy and some love to cry on Facebook. People like to show off, I understand that. It’s okay. I don’t have any problem with that. But I find it disgusting when people start to judge someone’s life based on their photos, without seeing the whole picture. I think this social media thing is just like a open window of a big house. People from outside will see whatever you put in front of that window. You can put a flower or you can fight with your loved ones and sit and cry beside the window for your neighbors to see you and sympathize with you. I always preferred flower if I had to post anything. But from this year I have reduced my Facebook posting even more. I’m regular on Facebook, love to see what’s going on with everyone, but don’t share anything about my life anymore. Earlier this year I had only posted 4/5 photos and absolutely no status and photo in last 8 months. I’m happy this way, relieved and may be people are happy too that they don’t get to see me often 😃.

I took picture almost everyday! I save it in my google photos. I will cherish the momories only with myself or with someone I want, not with 500 people.