Just today just now I am feeling soooo thankful sooo blessed for everything. For my son. For this life. For every people in my life. Thanks a lot God. Thanks a lot Allah.
It’s Bengali new year today. Last year’s new year was a disaster. I cried so hard so much that I vomited few times. It was my son’s first Bengali new year. I didn’t want it to be like that. I didn’t want today to be bad too. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone. Now at 9 pm today I’m realizing I’m not doing anything better. I have waited too long for people to change and nothing happened. So from today I will try to change myself. I will try to be the person I want others to be.
A piece of me died somewhere between Atlantic Ocean and Lake Ontario. My heart was shattered into million pieces somewhere in the sky when I was leaving Newfoundland. The relationship between me and my husband was fading somewhere far when he was coming to me here in Toronto. Now I feel dead inside. He feels empty too, I can tell. Was it only because we left Newfoundland for work? For a better life? I am so clueless. The only reason I can find to live is my son. Yes, I have a son. He is one year old now.
A few years back I often thought why people do have babies? My husband absolutely doesn’t want any kids (ever), and I am “not right now, maybe later” type of person. So when I asked random people why they wanted kids, they had different perspectives, some were cute, some were somewhat selfish. Some of them wanted to have babies because they were already in their 30s and time was running out, some of them said they like to spend time with kids and they need babies to pass good times or just wanted to start a family because that’s “normal”. On the other hand, some people said they want babies as they need someone to take care of them when they will be old or some people had babies just as a try to save their marriages.
That time I realized I don’t actually have a valid reason to have kids, maybe that’s why I didn’t want to have kids. So I wondered when the time will come, what could be my reason?
Now I want kids and I know my reason…..
My husband and I are having a hard time in our relationship. We moved to Ontario last year but my husband is not being able to adjust here and he is not even trying. He wants me to leave my engineering job, go back with him to Newfoundland and work in a call center. Weird thing is, he wants me to go back with him but he is also implying that he won’t take my or our family’s responsibility. I am requesting, validating, trying to talk, discuss and communicate but he is extremely stubborn and depressed. The reason he gives is, in the big cities there is no peace, he has his peace near the Atlantic Ocean. He is absolutely not considering that we moved in the first place because we both had no study-related jobs and career perspective there. He just wants his peace back.
I am not an “arguing” person. I never want to go to that direction. But his constant nagging and whining made me realized that maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday it would be impossible for us to live together. What am I gonna do then? Be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe that’s why I need a baby. Everyone needs something in their life to inspire them.
The other day I couldn’t hold myself and shared with my parents regarding what’s going on. Surprisingly, my dad wants me to go back home as I am young and smart, and I really don’t need to suffer like this. My mom is a positive person. So she said maybe a baby can solve all the problems. I laughed, no, a baby can make things worse. My husband is not being able to handle “relocation”. Having a baby is a huge milestone that I wonder if my husband will be able to handle.
Bottomline, yes I want kids, not for us, but for myself. Do you think it is a good idea?
Is it gloomy or beautiful? Depends on your mood, huh?
I see so much pain and sadness here. As if you are suffocating and all you want is to breath!
It’s time to write again. It’s time to let my feelings speak again. It’s time to be heard… again!
Day 99 of 100 Happy Days:
Yes, the main reason I started this blog was to handle my depression. Another reason was to improve my written English. It is a hard process when there is no one to point out your errors and you are doing same mistakes over and over.
I will try all over again to improve my English. Friends, do you have any idea or suggestion how should I do that?